Yet There was Grace

 

Although it had not been an easy nine months, the time had arrived when she would finally be able to make her dream come true- turn into a mother.

Whenever she played with dolls as a youngster, she would picture herself taking care of a real baby. One Christmas, she was given a doll that cried and said mama; it was the only toy she ever played with all day long. She slept with it; sat it by her at mealtimes; placed it on the couch when watching TV and tended to its every need as if it were real.

After these 9 months of tender-loving-care for her belly and the jewel within, she knew that any minute now her water would burst, and she would be rushed to the ER. Despite all the pain and suffering during the pandemic, she was grateful that her husband had been working from home. Because they weren't able to afford a place of their own, her parents gave them a suite in their immense apartment. Her mom and dad were also working from home so there would be no trouble getting her to the ER for her child's birth in case the husband had to run an errand.

She knew the baby´s gender but couldn´t decide on a name. She told her husband that she needed to see the babies face before making that decision. We all know the babies all look the same when they are born only their mom and dad can tell the difference. Perhaps, this is why she wanted to wait. Her husband did not want to contradict her, therefore, they would wait.

It was around noon when she felt her first contraction and as soon as she got up her water burst; the feeling of pain and happiness to over but calmly she walked over to her husband and told him that it was time. Suddenly he freaked out and all these questions were finding their paths to his mind. Was he ready to be a father? Was he ready to be responsible for two lives? No time to ponder on the questions, off to the hospital they went.

Push!

Push!

Breathe!

Pain!

Pain!

I can see the head.

One big push now!

After a 2 - hour battle the baby came out. Yes, it was not born; there was no cry. A stillborn whom she named Dove. That wasn't one of the names on her list, however, when she looked at him , fighting back the tears, he looked like a peaceful dove. Sadness filled the room.

Pandemic times, therefore, only her and her husband followed the little white coffin to its burial ground. They said a few words, prayed and comforted each other. As soon as she got home, she started researching about how long she would need to wait to try to make her dream come true, after all, she was in her mid-30s; her clock was ticking. Her husband told her they could wait and let the grieving pass. Instead of being thankful for that thought, she wasn’t, but clearly understood why he had said it; he was in his late 20s and for him there was no clock ticking.

A few months had gone by, and she was expecting again. Around the 7th month she started feeling contractions and this time her parents drove her to the ER along with her husband. An emergency C-section had to be done at once and sadly, once again the baby was lifeless. This one they named River. She was a big Billy Joel fan and the song River of Dreams played on her song list every day - she loved dancing to that tune.

While the doctors were closing her up, they noticed that there was still another fetus alive and kicking hidden behind one of her organs outside the uterus. They managed to put it inside her womb. She rejoiced and did everything in her power to protect her third child, she wanted it so bad.

When River was being buried, she stayed in the hospital but wrote some poetic words for her husband to read as the little white coffin went down in the same hole as its sister´s. It read:  Though I hadn't met you face to face; I felt your heartbeat from the moment you were created until the moment that you departed. This will never be erased. Until we meet again, my little River.

The strange thing about the baby she was carrying was that it had been conceived while she was expecting River while in her fifth month, so she had to be very careful during the next seven months for this fetus was only two months old. What a miracle!

When the time came to give birth, despite all the pain and trauma from the previous times, she was overwhelmed by a sense of gratitude. This time she knew her baby´s name. It would be named Grace. Her water broke and within an hour that beautiful sound of a baby crying filled the hospital room. Grace had arrived. Tears of joy rolled down her face as the mother held the tiny infant for the first time. She was filled with grace.

Written: June 17, 2021 (based on a dream from the previous night)

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Making Decisions

 

How do you make decisions? Do you ponder about it? Do you talk to your friends or family about the choices you need to make? Do you come up with pro and con lists?

When I need to decide about something important, I make a list- confession: I am a list person. (I make shopping lists, to-do lists, password lists, so why wouldn´t I make a decision list?)  I always make a list of the pros and the cons for a few days, put the list away and then take it out and look at it when I am approaching the deadline of the decision-making. Because I have been doing this since I was a young girl, if a decision needs to be made on the spot, my brain naturally makes up those lists. As I stare out in the open air, I can see those lists which help me make a quick decision. Now you might be wondering what I consider quick decisions - usually accepting invitations, what clothes to wear; however, what I consider list making decision over a few days is buying a new car , buying a new house, making a health decision whether or not to get a surgery( if I have that option).

I guess the reason behind this post is because of the vaccine for COVID, which 50% of my doctors believe that I should not take the vaccine due to my spinal cord condition and the other 50% think that it's no big deal I should just go and take it.

My list has become pretty long and on one hand a big downside would be death because if I don't take the vaccine and catch COVID it could be threatening to my life. On the other hand, if I do take the vaccine and it does affect my spinal cord I can stop walking again and it is uncertain whether the situation will be reversible this time around. Then you hear people saying that lightning does not strike twice but it does so I'm still making my lists, and, in this case, I have not listened to people other than my doctors because they're the ones who know or don´t know what problem I could have. Therefore, my list is pretty long right now, and it's been in the drawer for a couple of months actually, so we'll see.

Mind you, I am pro vaccine. Pro science. However, in my situation if they only knew what happened to me in 2011. If they named it like Lupus, MS or any other disease, I could make a quick decision. Only time will tell. For now, I continue to be the girl in the bubble.

Written: June 6, 2021

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470,000 Dead

 

Music, screams and shouts, people laughing.

Midnight, 1 am, 6 am.

The celebration is on.

It´s a mystery to me how this can happen.

Do these citizens think they are immortal?

2 am gunshots.

Shrieks and running.

The police have arrived.

Folks scram and hide.

4 minutes later and they are back.

Music, laughing, singing.

Irresponsibility on each face.

Blood on their hands.

470,000 are dead.

Yet, these individuals don´t stay in bed.

I want to screech.

I want to holler.

Hear me they will not.

Change their ways they will not.

One by one they will go.

Then we will reach 500,000

 

Written: June 5, 2021 ( sensations during an awful- night´s sleep due to a street party during pandemic)

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Powerful Tool

 

The blue-green ocean was all that could be seen for the last week. The reason why she had decided to take this cruise, which is quite common, was a broken heart. She needed a break and a cruise liner seemed like the perfect get away. Escaping from the scenario that surrounded her could help, but the saddened heart would accompany her on this voyage.

She couldn´t have imagined that she would run into a group of people whom she did knew and had been avoiding for the past couple of months. This group came from her church, not that she had lost her faith, but she couldn't agree with some of the messages that were being preached. In the end, it always made her feel guilty. As if everything that was happening to her was punishment. For her, God is love. So, those mixed emotions did not make any sense. Instead of coming out of a service reenergized or relieved, she sometimes came out feeling worse. She had found her faith and love praising through the scriptures and hymns, however, the interpretation given to those scriptures were confusing and demotivating instead of encouraging.

On the cruise, nobody saw the storm approaching. During the night, it really makes a difference because that's when the ship would boost the engines to get to their destination when the sun rose, meaning that the ship rocked a lot. However, that night besides the rocking of the boat, she was awakened by a tremendous idea that she needed to wake up and pray. Pray for the unknown approaching them. Pray for protection and direction because they were going to need it. Fear did not take over and during prayer a sensation of calmness cradled her heart.

Before the sun rose, there was a general message over the loudspeakers for everyone to remain in their cabins until further notice. Breakfast would be served at each door, therefore, there was no need to panic. When she opened her door to get the little breakfast box which looked like it had been prepared for emergencies, she saw some people in the corridor crying and in despair. She knew that this was a calling.

Her cabin was quite large, so she decided to invite some of the people in. The ones who came in were people like her who were traveling alone and did not want to go through this all by themselves. Before they opened their breakfast boxes, she started to pray and thank the Lord for the nutrients that were going to give her strength to go through whatever she needed to go through. Some of the other passengers noticed that she wasn't embarrassed in doing what she was doing and joined her in prayer.

They ate their breakfast and got to go each other. She realized that these people were also from her church. It seemed as if somebody were watching them and as soon as the last person finished his breakfast, there was another announcement on the loudspeaker for everyone to leave their cabins calmly and go up to the main deck. They were to get their life jackets from their closets in their cabins, put them on and go up to the main deck.

The cruise liner was rocking gravely some of those walking down the corridors were being thrown against the walls, however, this group that had been in her cabin walked calmly and did not fall once.

Reaching the main deck, she noticed that the church preacher was sitting in the corner overtaken in a desperate sob. He is only human and is afraid she thought. Out of the blue, she decided to go to the announcement room. Why, she really did not know. The only thought that came to her mind was, Thy will be done. Reaching the office, she asked the employee if she could use the speakers to try to calm people down.

The employee didn't know what to do because she had never been in that situation, but this person seemed to be very calm and relaxed, and the passengers needed this at this moment. The young lady took the microphone and started to pray. She asked to pray in their own ways.  She also asked those who were a bit calmer to embrace those who were in despair and pray for them that they may find comfort in their hearts to face this situation fearlessly.

When she turned off the microphone the captain addressed the passengers and the crew. He started his announcement with the words    ‘ a miracle has taken place’. Everyone stared up at the speakers in an expression of amazement and mental confusion. The captain continued his speech. ‘A miracle has taken place. I can't explain it, but the storm has ended. The meteorologists who were guiding me are perplexed that out of the blue the storm disappeared. Just like that, it stopped’.

Deep down inside she knew that it was the strength of prayer made it all happen. Gratitude filled her spirit. As she walked back to the deck, people started thanking her for what she had done. She just kept repeating ‘ it is not me who you need to think. your prayer was answered. The scriptures say in Matthew 18:20 “For where two or three gather together in My name, there am I with them”. This was one verse that she memorized and truly believed.

When she passed by the preacher from her church, he had recognized her, and she noticed he was calm now and happy that the storm had passed. He stopped her and asked her if they could meet later that day. She didn't know why that day because they still had a couple of weeks on the cruise thus, she accepted the invitation.

They met at the coffee shop near the casinos. It was such a beautiful afternoon what happened in the morning sounded like a dream or a lie only those who had gone through it knew it. The preacher had ordered cake and coffee and started questioning her about her leaving the church and how important it was for her to go back. He added that her faith would be stronger if she did. As she listened, she felt this burning sensation in her body. When she opened her mouth to speak, the words that she pronounced did not come from her mind, but from her spirit.

Faith is not connected to a building. It is not only contained within 4 walls. Faith blossoms in the soul. How many people go to a church a synagogue or a mosque and are only holy within that building? How many people go to church and confess their sins but then the minute they are outside those sins are repeated? The only reason you want me to go back to your church is because these people have listened to me and have realized that God is with them all the time and not only within a House of prayer. The only reason you want me to go back to your church is because you want me to preach there, and this story will attract followers resulting in financial gain for you. I am not judging you. For this reason, I have stopped going to your church and as you say your church because I am just money to you. Where was your faith when your flock needed you? Why did you not use the most powerful tool that we have been given which is prayer. You see, I have not been going to your building, but my relationship with God has been strengthening each and every day.

When she looked at the preacher, she could see the tears rolling down his cheeks. She could not remember what she had just said. That moment she put her hand on his shoulder and invited him to join her in a prayer of gratitude.

Lives had been touched.

 

Written : June 5, 2021 ( Based on a dream)

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An Uncomfortable Moment

To this day I still do not know why people call you dear, sweetheart or love when they do not even know you. Here is an example of what I am talking about.

A man, woman and child were waiting for the elevator in my building as was I. From the small talk we exchanged, I realized they had just moved in. The man saw that I was carrying grocery bags, as he was also, and asked if there were other supermarkets nearby than the one he was coming from. I mentioned a couple but said I was coming from the local grocery store. He asked where that might be because it could come in handy. I gave him the information.

The elevator arrived and I held the door open as well as pressing the button they were going to - 22. It seemed like the woman was his mother-in-law who had also moved in but lived on the 14^th floor, however, she was going up to the 22^nd to take care of her grandchild whom she was carrying. He was not much older than 18 months. He was chewing on a piece of bread and the grandma rejoiced in telling me how much the little boy loved bread, pizza and all the goodies little Italian boys liked.

Finally, my floor arrived, and the man said many times. Do you need any help, dear? Let me hold the door, sweetheart. I thanked him nicely and said that I had the hang of it. See you later love were his finally words before the door closed.

The way he used the words: dear, love, sweetheart really made my skin crawl. I am not his dear. I am a total stranger. What gives him the right to call anyone like that? Perhaps it is the same way he calls his wife, in which case makes sense to me. I just wanted to throw all this discomfort right back at him. However, I held it back because for sure he wouldn´t understand my point.

As I was opening my apartment door, my phone rang. It was a very good friend of mine. He sensed something was up and I told him what had happened. I added that it must be the macho upbringing in this culture. We do live in a very chauvinistic country where men think they are God´s gift to women. Then, my friend said that he called some people dear. I sighed and told him that I would call him back later. I was not in the mood to have this talk with him at that moment. For sure, we would get into an argument over it.

Maybe next time when I run into this dude, I will call him Zeus or babe and see what his reaction will be.

Written: May 28, 2021

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