Depression and Anxiety

               Sadness, fear, heart beating accelerated. Just a few of the sensations that the body feels when you are depressed or anxious. Is there a way to separate these sensations?

               I am definitely not an expert on this topic, but as a simple human being, I have felt one or the other or both several times during these 53 years. You might think that because I am always smiling when you see me that I am always happy. Not true. There are some sad times and happy times, but they are mine and the people that I run into do not need to know whether I am sad or happy. However, those who know me know me well can tell.

               Many of you may know that nine years ago I simply stopped walking and it took me 8 months to have a normal life - normal in the eyes of others. What I mean is, people see me walking but they do not know how hard it is; how painful it is and sometimes how tiring it is. Science has not discovered what happened and have classified my case as a miracle even though scientists usually do not believe in miracles.

               Nonetheless, I do believe in miracles and I am very grateful to be able to walk even though it is painful. I also have to watch out so I don't trip and fall. With this experience I have learned to live life one day at a time and not think about tomorrow. For me, thinking about the future generates anxiety which eventually will lead to depression. Not knowing if the condition will worsen makes planning harder now than before. So, I tend not to think about tomorrow.

               I remember the first day that I took my walker for a walk and just crossing the street at a red light caused anxiety. With this my heart started pounding, my hands started sweating, I started to feel nauseous and dizzy. Then I was enwrapped in fear of what would happen if I fell in the middle of the street or on the sidewalk; who would help me; so on and so forth. All these emotions hit me at once, but I had to throw them away and focus on just getting across the street, which looked like the other side was a mile away.

 Later, I called my doctor to let him know what had happened and he mentioned that I had a panic attack. I remember breaking down and crying. If all those other sensations weren't bad, having a panic attack was the worst ever. I really thought I was going to die, though, all I did was just cross the street. Perhaps it's a symbol for getting on the other side; overcoming your fear. When you are facing hard times, you should fight and try to overcome whatever frightens you.

Mind you, when I stopped walking, I was filled with rage, fear, sadness, and confusion. I first thought how something so bad could be happening to ME. Left alone and stripped of everything in a hospital room waiting to be taken to the ICU, I sobbed and had a huge fight with God. I yelled and screamed and asked why. After this, there was silence and all I remember was saying in a loud voice: my life is in Your hands, may Your will be mine.

Here you might think that I believe that I was being punished, on the contrary, at this moment of silence a sense of peace filled my heart and I realized that I was being blessed. I was alive which is all that mattered, and I would take life one step at a time. So much so, that when people visited me after I was released from the ICU, they said that my energy level was high, and they felt good being around me. Call it whatever you want, I call it GRACE.

I always tell people that I walk by faith and not by sight. This means a lot to me. For this reason, when I wake up every morning, I am filled with gratitude despite the pain. I have a new opportunity to learn and make a difference.

               In these times of lockdown and fear of what is to come, depression and anxiety absorb people. Sometimes these people do not know what to do. It is scary. Reach out to your family and friends just to see how they are doing. Sometimes a hello makes a big difference and can chase your fear away.

What I have learned is when you are down and troubled take a leap of faith. Do not think about what tomorrow will bring, enjoy the day that you have today.

Written: May 17, 2020

Google Images