Random Thoughts in June

 

Sometimes I feel like people are trying to pull the rug from under me. I sway, but I don't fall. However, if one day I do fall, I will rise taller than now. 

***

 Writing gives me a sense of purpose. Scratching on a piece of paper, materializing feelings and sensations, yanking out emotions from the depths of my soul trying to survive in these difficult times, but are times more difficult nowadays than compared to the 40s. At that time, there was the Second World War, so many deaths. Sometimes I wonder…

For senseless reasons these days seem to be a repeat. Who pressed that button and rewound that tape?

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It has been a while since I've sat down to write.  Surely, I have written a poem here and there, but I mean, writing in the act of pouring my heart out on a sheet of paper.

Am I afraid that the emotions will flow through the tear ducks in my eyes? 

Am I frightened of opening up the box that has been kept up locked and chained?

Am I afraid that I will re-read what I've written and judge it to be ridiculous or even worse, feel sorry for myself or much worse, have pity?

Writing down the thoughts that run around in my brain scares me, at times.

What if in writing them down makes them come to life?

Perhaps that's why I won't. At least not today!

***

 

When I stopped walking to an only -God- knows -and- he's- too- busy- to- tell disease, hit me. The pain I felt was horrific! Questioning my doctor what pain from 1 to 10 means; what pain 10 feels like is in fact. He simply answered that it was when you felt like hitting your head against the wall because that pain would make you feel better. Although it doesn't make too much sense, I understood it quite clearly, however, the most painful feeling was when someone looked at me with eyes of pity. 

Feeling sorry for my condition was not helping me at all. It just made things worse. So next time you look at someone filled with pity, think again. 

Written: June 26 and 27, 2026

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